I didn’t really intend to start dating a year and a half ago. Simon and I were married. I didn’t think I had the time or energy for another relationship, even though we’d opened up our marriage something like three years before. So, I wasn’t really looking. Besides, I was lukewarm (at best) about non-monogamy (for me–I totally celebrate non-monogamy when it works for other folks), and I had no intention of splitting up with Simon.
If I thought about it at all, in the most hypothetical of ways, I figured that whoever I might date (If I ever gave it a go) would mostly be my own business… and that this mythical potential dating partner I wasn’t even interested in wouldn’t intersect with our daughter Jane’s life at all.
And then I met Lela.
And every plan I had went all to hell.
I couldn’t have dreamed Lela up, in all her glorious, messy perfection. I fell hard for her. And I knew, right away, that she was every dream I didn’t even know I had.
Which is how Jane ended up with Infinite Parents.
(We really aren’t infinite, by the way. There are only three of us. But Jane swears we are Infinite. It probably feels that way, since Jane is an only child. She’s wildly outnumbered. But rarely outsmarted, if we’re all being honest.)
I couldn't have imagined that Jane and Lela would love each other the way they do. Well, I expected Lela to love Jane. I mean, the kid is funny as hell–perfect comedic timing. She’s also sweet. Whip smart. Almost always up for a hug. What’s not to love?
By the second time Lela and Jane hung out–which probably involved ice cream (I think that whole summer was a roving ice cream extravaganza when Jane was around), it was clear that Jane was going to warm to Lela. Lela was hell-bent on treating Jane like a fascinating person she couldn’t wait to get to know. Not like her girlfriend’s daughter. Lela listened to Jane’s stories–and to her (infrequent but sometimes insistent) complaints. She observed. She pushed forward with attention and affirmation and mani/pedis, the likes of which Jane had never seen, and pulled back to give Jane space or time with me when she sensed we needed it.
Now we call Lela Jane’s bonus mom. For our quirky little family, that means Lela is bestowed with parental status but doesn’t have to run point on the shittier ends of parenting: discipline, correction, drawing bright lines in the sand, and whatnot. If you’re wondering if that inherently means Lela is more fun that I am (or even than Simon is sometimes), the answer is YES. But it also means that Lela is a safe space for Jane to land, someone to look to for guidance, someone very likely to take all things in stride and to offer solid insight and advice.
As for me, I used to find myself firmly rooted in The Parenting Land of NO. Lela has pulled me out of that rut pretty well. I’ve learned to ask myself why I’m saying no, where I can give, and how and when I can leave choices up to Jane, who 9 times out of 10 has proven herself to be a very trustworthy character. I’ve also picked up some better listening skills when it comes to the 13 year old. Lela has encouraged me to get quieter (I have a streak of know-it-allness I have to work hard to tamp down) and to get curious about why Jane thinks the way she does and about what she really wants. Consequently, I can really hear Jane–especially when it’s most important.
Issuing edicts is pretty easy (especially for Virgos–we’re almost always right anyway). But actively listening, opening myself up to being slightly-less-sure what the right answer is, asking questions and really taking stock of the answers, those things require vulnerability. And bravery.
In fact, this whole Infinite Parent situation is built on one brave and loving decision after another:
Lela opened herself up to the possibility of parenting a (then) 12 year old. Even though doing such a thing was farthest from her mind when she thought about dating again. Even though she’d already raised two kids of her own. Even though co-parenting in a new family dynamic is scary as fuck.
Brave.
Simon, during the upheaval of moving out of our family home into his own apartment, graciously made emotional space for Lela to build a relationship with Jane, without jealousy or reservation. And he opened himself up to the idea that maybe Lela was about to become his new bestie (he wasn’t wrong).
Brave–all the way around.
I, notoriously, don’t like group projects. I’m fine over here by myself, thankyouverymuch. As Jane’s primary caregiver, I’d spent most of her life running point on pretty much everything. But then Lela came catapulting into our world. For me, being 47 with a new girlfriend and a (then) 12 year old kid who suddenly had a hell of a lot to adjust to meant that we talked about Jane a lot. Lela had ideas and thoughts (which she presented ever so gently) about raising this specific (then) 12 year old. And, wonder of wonders, I was receptive to hearing what Lela had to say (no, really, it’s a minor miracle).
By the time the school year was in full swing, the Infinite Parents were working together, collaborating on parenting decisions, and attending all cross country meets together, with a full picnic in tow (thank you, Lela). And, although I’d never have guessed it, parenting in tandem with Simon and Lela has made me a much better parent. I am more apt to think rules, guidelines, and requests all the way through, looking for a compromise and a place to say yes if I can.
Brave.
And Jane, well Jane could have thrown a huge, unwieldy wrench in this entire happy Infinite Parent situation. She could have dug in and made everyone pretty miserable, the way that 12 year olds have an uncanny knack for doing. Instead, she took great pains to be vulnerable and show us what she needed. If Lela and I were holding hands, she’d grab our hands and suggest that we ALL hold hands.
Brave.
If Lela and I were snuggled up on the couch, she’d plop herself between us and tell us that she liked snuggles, too.
Brave.
She kept at it until we got it. And even though that stage was SO 2023, I still often reach for Jane’s hand when I’m holding Lela’s–because maybe we should all hold hands.
By the time we reached mid-2024, Simon wasn’t enjoying living on his own anymore. So Jane and Lela and I invited him to move back home with us. Even though our house is pretty small. And we didn’t know what we’d do with all our stuff. By that point, we’d already learned to be brave and trust it would all work out.
And it did.
It does.
Our family continues to grow and shift and love each other in big, brave ways I couldn't have fathomed a year and a half ago.
And Infinite Parent gig continues to be the best group project ever.